Release

How do I release my shame
Wash myself in the river
Ink leaks from my skin
Paints my fingers black

Instead I feel my shame
Warp with every movement
Every step driving shards
Into my spiderweb skeleton

The spikes pierce through
My loved ones as they are
Impaled in a radius and
Left in the sun to rot

I didn’t used to feel like this
Like I am constantly pushing
A world away, Atlas in reverse,
No support, only failed effort

I see my shame as another being
One who is both of me and not
A burnt-black gremlin who sneers
Waiting for scraps

I try to ignore the tendrils that stream
From the base of my spine, binding me,
Feeding me, sustaining me, the hatchet
In my hand is dull, unworn and in stasis

I stare at the pebble-flecked ceiling
Wishing it would peel back and pick me up
Drywall-caked lips peeling back
Ready to receive my mistakes, my lies, my regrets

I want to forgive myself

Just once