When I was young, people said I looked like her
We had the same smile, skin tone, attitude
She would walk the sidewalks with me
Never impatient but always there

She would walk me to the bus
I never said I wanted her to do that
Everyone else walked alone
She knew what I wanted

Every tumble, she picked me up
Every cliff’s edge, she pushed me off it
Every alarm, she pulled me back
Every storm, she sheltered me

I see myself in her now
Your parents become people
And so do you, the same but not
So I walk along the same sidewalks
But my steps are longer and more shaky

I know that there will be one day when I fall
That she won’t be there to catch me
And on that day, I will pick myself up
Knowing that there was a day when she
Reached out for her mother and there was
No hand to catch her.

A slight tinnitus
There is a quiet whine
Below perception

When there is no distraction
When you sit in a silent room
You can hear it, the space left

Behind

I drew you on my leg when I was 16
Hesitant lines with pressure and purloined ink
The stall door was closed and I had gotten tired
Of making that S symbol that skateboarders do
So I took the pen, pulled down my pants and drew
Bic made me do it, I knew that would be my first regret
Open ears listening for the footsteps of a student
Flush, wash my hand, leave the blood-tipped pen behind

You lingered along my thigh, the ink fading over the years
But I never forgot the shame I felt. That shame mutated.
It became guilt. Resentment. Depression. Anger. Lies.
Why should it matter? I’m still sitting in that stall, shorts
Touching seat, hoping that no one will see me through
The gaps between the door and the wall

The only time I see you is when I forget that you’re there
I put on a pair of shorts that is maybe an inch too high
Or a shirt that I used to wear that now I’m too fat for
I see the ink poking out, a reminder to set an alarm
For the time where I can feel like less of an idiot

I hope when I get older, I will see you as a memorial
A sign of how foolish I was with self-hatred, cowardice
Obsession, anxiety, but I feel that you, my homemade tattoo
Will be an eulogy written into my skin, a warning that I never heard
You do not truly change, you just fade away until you become an
Outdated design that no one recognizes anymore or cares to decipher

She leaves, I do nothing
schliff
He died, I wasn’t there
schliff
They believed me, I lied
schliff
He drove drunk, I let him
schliff
She was broken, I was silent
schliff
They all leave, I do nothing
schliff
schliff
schliff
Unfold the paper, the creases remain
Unfold myself from guilt, the scars remain

Van Gogh finished the last brushstroke
His hands, flecked with paint, ached
The action of creation always hurts
Her smile gave nothing away
It held unwritten secrets and mysteries
Yet to be discovered by frayed minds
The Mona Lisa was completed

For ages, people would wonder why
She smiled so and hours would pass
In darkened, dusty rooms by scholars
Dreamers and philosophers attempting
To find the truth or at least make a better lie

Van Gogh smiled too because he knew
Her smile was the last piece he painted
An ecstatic grin would not have worked
Life is not joy, it is madness, electric and fiery
A serious frown would not have worked
Life is not a school, a judge, a lord looking down

Life is mystery and wonder
It is madness and chaos
It is an eternal quest forward
It is darkness, crawling up from below

Van Gogh saw this when he woke in the morning
And battled the emptiness of another endless day
He saw this when he painted endless garbage
And burned it, convinced that fire could cleanse him
No Starry Night, no sunflowers, they all rotted away
The canvas infested with maggots and failures unknown

Ecstasy does not make a legacy
It is chaos and impermanent creation
Solemnity does not make a legacy
It is order and permanent dullness
There has to be a balance

Life is the Mona Lisa’s Smile

The sky darkens
Pinprick pupils
A shroud of clouds
I wait above for my time

The timpani hits of thunder
Pound out a rhythm in 7/8
Unbalancing the people below
I wait above for my time

Lightning fractures the sky
White jagged edges split
And fork along electron roads
I wait above for my time

There is a wailing in the distance
Machined warning of the doom
For those below, it is an alarm
For me, it is a shot and the race is on

Feet fall first, frantic and fast
Landing lightly like lovers
But the pace picks up as
My body impacts and moves

I move forward, not knowing when
To stop, only knowing that I will
I will get pulled up into the clouds
Like a daredevil bungee jumping

Every step I take destroys, my path
Erratic and unpredictable
I miss a house by inches to plow into
A barn right behind, teeth chewing it up

When I leave, I sit above, leashed
A rabid dog waiting to be set loose
I have no desire to destroy, I have no will
It is just my nature, a force is a force is a force

To love another person, you must first love yourself
What a crock of shit,
A trite saying not worth the breath
To speak the words
I’ve loved others far more than I’ve ever loved myself

The endless nights spent
Staring at my misshapen form
In a toothpaste-stained mirror
Waiting for the moment
When I see past the truth and into the lie
Shaping the neural network of negativity
That lights my broken, barren brain
Knowing that I’ll always feel this way
I’m on the outside of an inside joke

The meagre love I have for myself
Has only come through others
Friends who stand by me
Lovers who ran past me
Strangers demand more of me

I don’t see my beauty until I catch
The whisper of love in a friend’s eye
I don’t think I’m funny until I hear
A laugh pulled from the throat of a stranger
I don’t feel real and grounded until I unmoor
From the world around me and I am pulled back
By the power of the people who believe in me

My sight can not be trusted, I wear glasses
Made with lenses of self-doubt and frames of self delusion
My hearing can not be trusted, I wear speakers
That blare paranoid, anxiety-ridden propaganda
My touch can not be trusted, I wear gloves
Lined with spikes that hurt me and others when they get close

Filtering who I am through my own mind is like
Trying to fill a cheese grater with milk
Messy, confusing and pointless
I have to trust others when they tell me
I’m worth it, I matter, I am more than what I know

So when I hear someone say,
To love another person,
You must first love yourself
I sneeze, shaking the shit smell
From my stopped sinuses
And I say

To love yourself, see through the eyes of others

I was jealous of you
When you dropped
Into my life like a stone
You were funnier.
You were kinder.
You were loved.

I see now that put a
Space between us
Even as we grew closer
A molecular gap stayed
You were my friend.
You were my enemy.
You were my shame.

I knew that I was putting
My insecurities on you
I carry that cross
You are unaware.
You are heavy.
You are dead.

How could I have said this
To your face? My soul
Is kept safe in a vault
I was a fool.
I was a coward.
I was a liar.

You carry my shame too
I know now I will never
Take this regret off
My splintered shoulders
You cradle my secret.
You walk with my weight.
You don’t know my heart.

The air will always be hazy
When I think of you and
I will always wonder if
You knew that I was jealous
You were funnier.
You were kinder.
You were loved.

And I am sorry.

A weed grows deep roots
It crushes the soil beneath
Drinks the nutrients dry
A hungry toddler
No control, no care
Only consumption

A weed grows deep roots
Never to be interred or
Destroyed, a botanical
Hydra fighting for its
Survival against its killer

So crush it, burn it, cut it down
A weed grows deep roots
It flowers above and spits at you
And says that it shall not be removed
I have rooted in your mind and will
Hollow you out with my tendrils

A weed grows deep roots
Its nature is to be resilient
There is strength in facing
An enemy with stubbornness
And a string of fuck yous
There is beauty in failing and
Getting right back up, blood
And bruises be damned

There is peace in knowing
That a weed grows deep roots
That it can not be overcome
That it can never be beaten

When the weed dies
The world remembers
The soil mourns
The roots stay

They walk up to it
Wrap their hands
Around the hilt
Like money-lenders
On collection day

They want the sword
The respect
The adulation
The entitlement
The power

I know she’s mine
At night, I see her.
Excalibur shines
Her light blinds

I see her truth
Lost lovers at war
Meaningless quests
Fallen kingdoms burning
The weight of the crown

I feel her in my hand
I see my death
Excalibur broken
Camelot only a tale
Told to children to
Remind them that

Nothing gold can stay
There is no magic left
Destiny’s path ruins all
Who blindly walk it

My hope is that one child
Will walk out to the mossy
Lake behind their broken
Home and squint into the sun
Waiting for a flash of metal
To rise from its depths
And remember that destiny
Is not always cruel nor kind

It is the weight of the crown
It is the smile of a woman
It is the wonder in a sunset
It is the legend left to dust

So she waits for me
The stone in the square
A shining city gleams
Excalibur beckons
Destiny calls

I can ignore it no further